Come Dine With Me
by nikki-of-stormhold
Summary: The characters have a cooking competition in this one shot. Harry and Eggsy attempt a beef wellington, Merlin and Charlie go for lasagne and Roxy joins with OC, Lexi to create a culinary surprise. Alternate story, purely for fun. Merlin/OC fluff.
**Obviously this is a silly one shot set in an alternate version of the story. Harry is alive and there's an OC too. Lexi Kivanovich is an ex-Russian spy, recruited to join the technical team at Kingsman because of her photographic memory and razor sharp IT and technological skills. She is 'Gwen' - a new addition to the team.**

Merlin / Charlie

Lexi / Roxy

"I can't believe I got talked into doing this," Eggsy moaned, dragging his feet as he loped to the kitchens of the Kingsman manor. Roxy snorted, walking briskly ahead of him.

"That's what you get for agreeing to things whilst drunk, isn't it?" she said, smiling broadly. "You're going to lose, by the way."

"Don't care," he replied with a yawn. "S'not important."

Roxy opened the kitchen door and was surprised to find that they weren't the first to arrive. Harry stood behind the counter in his full, bespoke suit, tying the apron strings behind his back. Eggsy caught sight of him and groaned, dodging the apron Harry threw at him so that it fell in a crumpled heap on the floor.

"Nah mate, I ain't wearing that."

"Put it on," the older man said calmly.

Roxy spotted her assigned team mate on the other side of the room and approached her. Lexi was fitting in well at Kingsman, and it hadn't been as difficult as she'd anticipated talking the former Soviet spy into participating in the competition. Joining her at their counter, they both looked up together at the sound of metal clanging.

Arthur stood at the front of the abnormally large kitchen, hitting a large saucepan with a ladle.

"Listen up," he said loudly, addressing the six people before him in his usual tart manner.

"Here's how it is. Merlin, Charlie - you're team one. Harry and Eggsy - team two. Ladies - you're number three. You have two hours to concoct a three course meal, and the one which I deem best wins the participating team members a week off. The other two teams get saddled with the washing up."

He narrowed his eyes.

"I want no use of weaponry, no violence, no cheating, no mucking about and none of your silly bullshit." He looked at Eggsy, who shifted uncomfortably on the spot. "If I hear that anyone is hurt or dead because of this, you're all doing unpaid overtime. Now. Get on with it."

With that he spun on his heel and left the room, the doors clanging behind him.

"Right Harry," Eggsy said happily as he pulled the apron over his head and attempted to tie it behind his back. "Let's do this."

Harry raised his eyebrows.

"You've changed your tune," he said dryly.

"Mate, there's a week off in it. We gotta win."

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"Excuse me ladies," Merlin said politely, leaning over their counter. "Would it be possible to borrow this?" He gestured to a chopping board. "Ours seems to be missing and I noticed that you had two."

Lexi narrowed her eyes.

"Take it. But if you make Haggis I swear I'm going to throw up on you. I promise it."

Merlin blinked.

"It's not that bad..."

"It's foul and disgusting and I will make you regret it." Lexi's eyes flashed as the knife in her hand glinted in the kitchen lights.

Merlin cleared his throat and leaned back onto his own side of the counter.

"I hadn't planned on it, so... don't worry."

"What are you making?" Roxy asked slyly, trying to see over the counter to where Charlie was unpacking a box of groceries with a disgruntled frown.

"You'll find out, won't you?" Merlin said with a cheeky grin. "But I promise it's not Haggis."

Lexi shuddered, grabbing the recipe book from the stand it stood in. Turning a page, she creased her face with concentration, completely missing the lingering look the Scot gave her, and the small smile that followed.

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"Eggsy," Harry sighed. "clean it up."

The young man looked down at Harry's shoes - shiny oxfords - and shrugged. Stooping, he grabbed the large globule of margarine that he had managed to flip out of the mixing bowl through over-zealous mixing, which had landed on Harry's unsuspecting shoe. Standing up again, he looked at the fistful of margarine, and then at the mixing bowl.

"Don't you dare," Harry warned. Eggsy grinned, plopping the margarine into the bowl in complete defiance.

"S'alright Harry, nobody saw me." He looked around shiftily to confirm that this was true, and upon seeing that it was, began to stir the dirt-studded margarine into the flour in the bowl. Harry sighed again, glancing around the room.

"Unbelievable. We'll have to pass the dirt off as pepper or something."

Eggsy rolled up his sleeves and plunged his grubby hands into the bowl, beginning to form the mixture into a sort of unidentifiable pastry.

"Bloody bull in a china shop," Harry muttered under his breath. Consulting the recipe book, he frowned.

"This says we need red wine for the sauce. I don't think I remembered to get any..."

Eggsy stopped kneading the pastry and swung around. Slamming a flour covered hand down onto Harry's shoulder, grinned.

"Harry, I got you."

The older man gritted his teeth, looking sideways at the flour covered shoulder of his suit. Eggsy strode over to the kitchen's massive stainless steel fridge, opening it shiftily. When he returned, Harry noticed a can of Carlsberg concealed in his sports jacket.

"We're not using bloody Carlsberg in place of red wine," he said crossly.

"It's getting cooked," the young man said blankly. "It all tastes the same when you cook it. Fancy food is rank anyway. This'll make it taste better."

Cracking open the can he poured its entire contents into Harry's saucepan, taking a swig from the can half way through the process.

"Could you be anymore uncouth?" Harry said calmly.

"Yep," Eggsy replied happily. Pulling a couple of green leaves out of his pocket he handed them to Harry.

"Got this for the garnish. On telly they always put a bit of green shit on the top to make it look fancy."

"What is it?" Harry said, holding the green leaves up to the light.

"Daffodils. Nicked 'em off the windowsill."

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"Merlin," Charlie yelled. "Is it supposed to be doing that?"

Lifting a wooden spoon out of the saucepan he was stirring, he grimaced as large lumps of white, congealed goo slid off of the spoon and back into the pan. Merlin sighed.

"No, it's not. What did you do?"

"Not really sure. It just sort of happened."

Merlin rubbed the back of his head, glancing at the clock.

"Alright, I'll start the sauce again. You chop the onions." He gestured to the chopping board on the counter, where an onion lay in half with an abandoned knife resting by it. Charlie nodded, swapping places with the Scot.

"We've got to win," Charlie said matter-of-factly. "I'm not having that pleb beat us." Merlin raised his eyebrows, pouring milk into a clean saucepan.

"You two still not seeing eye to eye?" he asked quietly, measuring the milk careful in the pan.

"You must be joking. Little git put mayonnaise in my shaving cream. He knows I'm allergic to it. I looked like a total twat for days."

Merlin tried his hardest to conceal his amusement, and failing, turned away slightly.

"I'll get him back." Charlie chopped the onion vigorously, the knife straying dangerously close to his fingers.

"Could you pass me the salt please?" Merlin asked, looking at his sauce intently. Charlie passed a container full of white granules to the concentrating Scot, failing to notice that they were sugar granules rather than salt. Oblivious, Merlin shook it over the pan several times.

Charlie turned back to his onions, completely unaware of the large blob of mozzarella heading towards his face. When it hit him, he knocked the chopping board over and the chopped onions littered the floor. Cheese water running down his face, he looked around for the thrower of the mozzarella. Eggsy had ducked extremely quickly, leaving Harry as the only likely culprit.

"I knew your little pet project had no manners," Charlie said, dabbing at his face with a tea towel, "but I thought you had standards!"

"I'm sorry, what?" Harry looked up from his recipe book, totally unaware of what had just happened.

"Don't what me!"

Charlie picked up a handful of onions from the floor and hurled them in Harry's direction.

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"How's it looking?" Roxy said, leaning over Lexi's shoulder.

"Er..." the Russian wrinkled her nose, poking the contents of the pan with a spatula. "I have no idea. Is it supposed to look like this?"

Roxy looked at the picture in the book, and then back at what was on top of the stove.

"Well... it's the same colour. That must be good."

Lexi sighed.

"How ironic. Everyone's going to expect us to win because we're girls, but our food looks like regurgitated garbage. Probably tastes like it too."

Roxy laughed.

"Yes. I have to agree that I'd be more at home shooting things. But... points for effort."

Looking up, she caught sight of Merlin staring in their direction. He hadn't seen her looking, and following his gaze, she found that he was staring at Lexi.

"Lex," she said, nudging her cooking partner. "Is there anything going on with you and Merlin?"

The other girl cocked her head on one side, staring at the recipe book picture with a confused expression.

"He's pissed off because I managed to hack past his new system in 15 minutes, but other than that... not that I know of. Why?"

"It's just... he keeps looking at you. And smiling. And I doubt it's because of your ingenious hacking."

Lexi looked up at her friend, still confused.

"Maybe he's just... got his face stuck on a smile... and I happen to be in his line of sight."

Roxy blinked.

"Only a Soviet spy could come out with that."

"Ex," Lexi corrected her. "And... I don't know why else he'd be doing it."

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"EGGSY, PUT THE POTATOES DOWN!" Harry's voice boomed across the kitchen.

Charlie cowered behind his counter, and Merlin rolled his eyes as another potato hurtled past his head. Raising his eyebrows he looked at Eggsy, still stirring his sauce.

"If you hit me with one of those I will make sure that every female in the country sees those pictures of you I found in your locker. The ones your mum sent for your last birthday."

Eggsy paused mid-throw. Lowering the potato he sidled back to where Harry stood, rolling the pastry around a large piece of cooked beef.

"Is he gone?" Charlie whined from the kitchen floor.

"Yes, now get up." Merlin shook his head. "If that's how you behave with a potato onslaught, I hate to think what you'd do if it were bullets coming towards you."

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"We're getting overtime and washing up," Lexi said blankly, looking at their food as if it had insulted her.

Turning around with an armful of dirty dishes, she collided with Merlin on the way to the sink.

"Whoa," he said, catching hold of her arm before she lost her balance, and rescuing a dish that slipped from her pile.

"Steady now." She smiled by way of a thank you, and he returned it.

"You er... you've been working hard," he said awkwardly, using his thumb to wipe the flour from her cheek. She blushed slightly, cradling the pots and pans a little tighter.

"You too," she said, looking at the sauce splashes on his dark grey jumper.

"Aye."

Behind them, Roxy smiled.

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"Team one," Arthur said, moving to stand at Harry and Eggsy's counter. Harry stood awkwardly, trying not to make eye contact with Arthur, as Eggsy leaned against the counter trying not to laugh. Arthur stared at the strange little pastry lump on the plate, surrounded by dented potatoes and topped with a chopped up daffodil leaf.

"I assume that's supposed to be beef wellington," Arthur said, totally uninspired. Harry nodded silently. Suspicious, Arthur took a knife and fork and helped himself tentatively to a tiny sample. Only when he'd finished chewing and had swallowed did Eggsy snigger loudly.

"Mate, you don't wanna know what percentage of that has been on the floor..."

He grunted as Harry swiped him sideways, and Arthur glared at him, writing something on a clipboard.

Moving to Merlin and Charlie's dish, he frowned.

"Lasagne?" he said. "From you, Merlin?"

"Aye... well. It's very popular, isn't it?"

"In Italy, yes," Arthur said blankly. Looking at Charlie's black eye and mozzarella covered clothing, he shook his head. After sampling the food, he shrugged.

"Not bad."

Finishing with Lexi and Roxy's dish, he could not hide his disdain.

"What the hell is that?" he asked with what sounded like alarm.

"Er... we're not actually sure. It stopped being what it was supposed to be when we welded it to the pan and had to scrape it off."

"Well, I'm not going to subject myself to it."

Arthur scribbled on his clipboard again.

"You're a bloody disgrace, the lot of you. You might all be master spies and geniuses, but none of you can cook - not even to save your lives!"

He strode towards the kitchen door, his clipboard under his arm.

"I'm going to make my decision." Pausing by the windowsill, he frowned. "Where have the leaves gone from my old nan's prize daffodils? They've been going for decades!"

Eggsy turned pale.


End file.
